University + Anything Else

I've been away from blogging for a while yet again, but exams are coming and I had to prepare, get ready and just take it easy so that I wouldn't strain myself.

And to tell you the truth guys there is A LOT to talk about! What I have done all this time when I wasn't writing my blog! It's going to be about my old vacation to walking dead talks to jokes to some serious talks so I hope you guys will enjoy! 

Vacation

So I few weeks ago, probably a month or two ago I went to the mountains my parents to take some nice snowmobile driving. I drove about 100km myself! All alone! Without any passenger or help! I also drove 120km/h! So I am actually very proud of myself.

For those who didn't know, I have legit license for driving a snowmobile!

Bonding

So I have bonded a little with my mom a few weeks ago. I never had a chance to bond a little with my mom and try to connect with her, but then we decided that we should, so we went out shopping and trying out new stuff and checking out the new shops that have opened in Utopia. First I showed her the yogurt-ice-cream place and we tried it out and then we went to the Coffee House and ordered some good stuff! We were expecting something like Starbucks, and it was something LIKE, Starbucks, but sadly not the actual Starbucks, no Frappuccino for us! ;(((

Some Random Fashion.

I love the fluff and I love the nail-polish, sadly I expected more WOW from the nail-polish.

Just another random everyday outfit I had once.

Before School

After School 

Any Other Day

Well any other day for me is basically a lot of sweets like jelly and chocolate and ice-cream at home while watching my fav series, How I Met Your Mother.

And the day came that I had to finish the series and I also saw the alternative ending which sucked because for those who have already seen it, [SPOILER ALERT] I hated the fact that Robin and Barney divorced and how their life completely changed. I was happy for Ted, he's so awesome I just love that character he's total romantic and adorable and basically every girls dream but I was somewhat expecting a little bit more towards the ending. Like more, romance, more sadness more crying and so on but oh well! 

I didn't like the ending at all, I wanted Robin and Barney to stick together for a long time, (forever) but let's just pretend I didn't see the ending!

University

Ok here comes the big shit.

So as you know I had recently applied for a university that require auditions. It was an acting university.

I was very psyched for it and I was expecting good results.

I picked a monologue that was close to me and a monologue that fit me well and I understood the concept, feeling and message in it for me to be able to perform it well.

Acting is basically everything for me. When it comes to English I have the most easiest way to express myself and I react faster for actions so that nothing would become dull when it comes to improvisation. I made a few videos of my talking about everything I had endured that day in Luleå Town. I didn't wear any make-up FYI, because I was tired and I was very nervous and didn't have any time to think about something as stupid as make-up at that time. PLUS I must say also that my health is not in the best condition but believe me guys, that will all change!

After a long 4 hour drive we came to a place called CitySleep where I can sleep over instead of driving all night, we came a day earlier.

It was a cute place to be in but sadly I wasn't able to sleep all night. The stress and nervousness was catching up to me!

After we were done leaving our stuff there we decided to go to town and eat something.

First thing was MAX.

I never liked MAX for some reason, then I just tried it because it was late and the only place that was open.

I noticed that you can get SO many choices from MAX now!

So I like that place!

I ordered a salad because all this time I see how everyone eats salad and I don't like it, not even having a reason!

So now I LOVE salad!

Then there was of course milkshakes or luxyshake or whatever it's called!

The day came.

And my audition started.

I gotta say I was pretty nervous but then I got used to it.

In a way I didn't really feel that safe and comfortable there.

Mainly because the building was so empty and not that much space.

After all that crap I went to, sadly I didn't make it.

I didn't pass to the second test, which kind of sucked.

I admit I cried because I didn't want it to end so fast, because acting is something I know I'm good at, and now it felt like all along I was WRONG.

That I'm NOT good at acting and I never will be.

That I don't have the body for it.

The face.

The voice.

Many thoughts rushed to my head, because it was always been my dream to be an actress, and since I'm such a loser I have a hard time finding ways to get where I want.

But that won't stop me.

In a way I found POSITIVE things about me not getting in,

First, I would have only had 8 classmates.

I would get bored and tired of them, I need more people to be around for me to learn how to socialize more.

As I said here in the video. There is always next year.
The only reason why I'm in such a rush is because I want my grandparents to see me become something big. I love my grandparents a lot.
I grew up with them when my parents couldn't be around.
And they are growing old and I'm scared I won't make it in time.
Even though they tell me they are happy to see me alive and well, that I'm trying, that I'm putting all my strength into studies, I still do become frustrated and angry about the time.
About the fact that it goes so fast and I may still live for another 70 years.
But my grandparents, and my parents won't.
I'm not only doing this for myself, but for those who help me stand up when I fall.
I had many thoughts about myself being worthless and not fit to be in this world.
That I'm some sort of mistake here.
I'm sure you had those too.
But even though I got let down in my first ever attempt, tell me why should I not try harder?
Life sucks, but it's fair, because it's unfair to everyone.
Yes, many have schedules.
They need to do this and that in two days.
They need to become this and that in five years.
But I do know one thing.
They never give up.
So what if I got let down.
That means I wasn't trying my hardest, and I know what I should do next time.
This is also my encouragement to everyone else who is struggling to get to the top.
Or get into University.
Don't give up.
Your grades not enough? Go study again.
And again.
And AGAIN if you have to.
I may sit at home and not do anything at all.
I may be an outsider at school and have absolutely no friends.
I may have a hard temper and scare people away
I may be this and that.
But I'm ambitious and I'm sure about who I am and I believe in myself.
And so should you.
So, for me, it doesn't matter if I got in or not.
That doesn't prove that I'm not good enough.
That just means, I need more experience, I need to improve to become better than ''good enough''
And so should you.
Be it acting or singing.
Drawing or doctor.
There will be many battles in your life.
Everyday you'll have to battle with different things.
You'll win, you'll lose.
But that shouldn't stop you from doing what you love.
That is something I have learned in this small rejection.
I lost the battle but sure as heck I'm going to win the war.
So I encourage everyone who reads this to not give up.
And for those who wish, help others to pull them back on their feet.
If there is anything you can do, help them out.
Because that's what humanity should be these days.
Not just you and your family stuck in one house and fuck everyone else because humanity can't be trust it.
It's true, it can't.
You'll just have to take risks.
Some people are worth risking for.
If you risk for the right person, no doubt they will help you in time too.
AMBITIOUS!
That's what I am.
It's a way of telling myself that I can do anything if I put my mind to it.

HA! I told ya it would be some serious talk!
Follow me on FaceBook to see more videos and more crap in my life!
I'm thinking of starting that damned YouTube Channel I talked about! x.x
After the exams are over, I'll try to work on it!

That's all for now guys!
Stay Tuned and Stay Awake!

New Hobby? Pixel Gifs!

Recently I have discovered something extremely fun to do.
Long story short, I'm going back to drawing. I browsed the internet the other day and I found something pretty cool. Pixel animated gifs. I wondered how they were created so I browsed even further for information on how to do so. And I managed to find it!

For those who don't know what's a pixel gif, here's an exampe:
<33333333333
This is a pixel animation and I freaking adore this stuff. So I began to take bigger interests in this and decided to make some of my own!!

:3 <3  here's my first EVER: :3

THEN some more <3

CUPCAKE <33

BUBBLES <3

Watermellon :3 <3

and hearts :3 <3

These are the tiny little ones I made SO FAR. In 1 day xD
These were just one of my experiments to see how the program works. Later on I am going to do a BIG project on it and work a lot to make something cool!
I'll improve in this.. I'm new ok? xD
STAY TOONED!

 

What's friendship?

This is something that was always on my mind.
What is friendship? Is it something you need? Deserve? Earn? I never realized what was true friendship when I came here to Midgård school, gymnasium. I was always pushed around and was the weirdest girl in class only because I liked these, unusual things in life. Sometimes I sit down and wonder what friendship is and if it even is worth of having.
I was always afraid to have any friends, because I knew that one day they will leave, or we will just grow apart. It was my biggest fear and yet my biggest destruction. I usually bought my own happiness with toys when I was a girl, right now with clothes and fashion but it's so.. Not real. I never wanted to have friendship with people because I get too much addicted to a person. I walk around them like a puppy the same day when I meet them to be accepted but.. It's not that what I expected.
Friendship has this thing called, love and care.. Honesty, trust, things that I am just not good at. I can't learn what friendship is in an instant, it takes time, but.. The fact that I am not a 100% sure of what friendship is, I make a lot of mistakes and because of that, I lose friends. Then it's little old me sitting and crying.
When you break a toy, you can fix it with glue, or just buy a new one. When you break a friendship, you can never fix it.
I recently lost 3 of my very dearest friends due to my selfishness.. And because of that, I feel bad. Mainly it's my fault, but I can't take the blame all for myself. ''To not be selfish, I have to share''.
I had a lot to think about these past 3 days, asked advice for people on what to do, practiced controlling my anger and obssesion with my past. Sometimes when something happens to a person in the past it keeps coming back everyday and it's hard to maintain a good friendship when you see your friends as those bullies that always picked around and pushed you away from things. Being picked last in gym, spat at, called weird, always sat alone in the corner and never having a partner for a project. It was quite surprising actually on how fast this progress went. I got hobbies to get occupied and people who talk to me about random happy things and not once get me think about my past or anger me. I got some help from a professional who has a lot of experiance with these kinds, read a lot of articals on how to control my anger and not let bad things come in my head, how to stay positive and to release my problems out of my soul without needing to have someone around me to listen.
Of course things can't be finished so fast. It will take a lot of time and effort.
But I won't want to hurt my friends anymore.. Even though if my life sometimes goes upside down. I need to stay strong. I am strong. That's what everyone says to me, that I am holding on. It's good to have friends who never leave my side, but I don't want to take the risk of loosing them. They are my happiness and it is unacceptable for them to leave.
I've been always googling and searching for definitions of what friendship was.
But I know what it is now.
The first one of what it is, isn't trust, love, care or honesty.
It's work and time.
It takes time to build up a friendship and really hard work. A ''sorry'' can never fix a broken friendship.
I know that if I want to have those people I lost a ''sorry'' won't work. To say I'm sorry? Everyone can do that.
But to show it?
That's the trickiest part.
I am not going to message, call, ask others to help out. I'm going to march right by their door. Kick it down and tell 'em. ''If we ever want this to work, we gotta try to make this work''
That's what I'm going to do. People shouldn't just give up on one another because of mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes, if nobody had, nobody would have learn the lesson.
In friendship there is such a thing as pain. Everyone will hurt you, even your best friends in the whole world, but you just gotta find someone worth suffering for.
Best friends do leave, but they always come back.
They will come back..
If you won't let them go.

Well, you're my diamond. <3