What is friendship? Is it something you need? Deserve? Earn? I never realized what was true friendship when I came here to Midgård school, gymnasium. I was always pushed around and was the weirdest girl in class only because I liked these, unusual things in life. Sometimes I sit down and wonder what friendship is and if it even is worth of having.
I was always afraid to have any friends, because I knew that one day they will leave, or we will just grow apart. It was my biggest fear and yet my biggest destruction. I usually bought my own happiness with toys when I was a girl, right now with clothes and fashion but it's so.. Not real. I never wanted to have friendship with people because I get too much addicted to a person. I walk around them like a puppy the same day when I meet them to be accepted but.. It's not that what I expected.
Friendship has this thing called, love and care.. Honesty, trust, things that I am just not good at. I can't learn what friendship is in an instant, it takes time, but.. The fact that I am not a 100% sure of what friendship is, I make a lot of mistakes and because of that, I lose friends. Then it's little old me sitting and crying.
When you break a toy, you can fix it with glue, or just buy a new one. When you break a friendship, you can never fix it.
I recently lost 3 of my very dearest friends due to my selfishness.. And because of that, I feel bad. Mainly it's my fault, but I can't take the blame all for myself. ''To not be selfish, I have to share''.
I had a lot to think about these past 3 days, asked advice for people on what to do, practiced controlling my anger and obssesion with my past. Sometimes when something happens to a person in the past it keeps coming back everyday and it's hard to maintain a good friendship when you see your friends as those bullies that always picked around and pushed you away from things. Being picked last in gym, spat at, called weird, always sat alone in the corner and never having a partner for a project. It was quite surprising actually on how fast this progress went. I got hobbies to get occupied and people who talk to me about random happy things and not once get me think about my past or anger me. I got some help from a professional who has a lot of experiance with these kinds, read a lot of articals on how to control my anger and not let bad things come in my head, how to stay positive and to release my problems out of my soul without needing to have someone around me to listen.
Of course things can't be finished so fast. It will take a lot of time and effort.
But I won't want to hurt my friends anymore.. Even though if my life sometimes goes upside down. I need to stay strong. I am strong. That's what everyone says to me, that I am holding on. It's good to have friends who never leave my side, but I don't want to take the risk of loosing them. They are my happiness and it is unacceptable for them to leave.
I've been always googling and searching for definitions of what friendship was.
But I know what it is now.
The first one of what it is, isn't trust, love, care or honesty.
It's work and time.
It takes time to build up a friendship and really hard work. A ''sorry'' can never fix a broken friendship.
I know that if I want to have those people I lost a ''sorry'' won't work. To say I'm sorry? Everyone can do that.
But to show it?
That's the trickiest part.
I am not going to message, call, ask others to help out. I'm going to march right by their door. Kick it down and tell 'em. ''If we ever want this to work, we gotta try to make this work''
That's what I'm going to do. People shouldn't just give up on one another because of mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes, if nobody had, nobody would have learn the lesson.
In friendship there is such a thing as pain. Everyone will hurt you, even your best friends in the whole world, but you just gotta find someone worth suffering for.
Best friends do leave, but they always come back.
They will come back..
If you won't let them go.
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